The foundation of a strong, long-lasting relationship is a healthy communication in marriage. Even the most resilient spouses, however, may become mired in poisonous habits that subtly undermine their relationship. Rarely is it just about what we say; it’s also about how we say it, when we say it, and what we don’t say. This article examines five of the most frequent—and harmful—communication errors made by couples and provides research-supported, emotionally sound methods for mending that bond.
The 5 Most Common Mistakes About Communication in Marriage
1. Talking to Win Instead of to Connect
Real-Life Example:
Take Lisa and Mark. Lisa brought up her feelings about feeling overwhelmed at home, and Mark immediately jumped into defensive mode, arguing that he works long hours too. Neither listened — both just wanted to be heard. They weren’t talking to understand; they were trying to “win.”
Why This Happens:
This is often a result of unresolved resentment. Instead of truly hearing your partner, your brain treats the conversation like a battlefield.
How to Fix It:
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Pause before responding. Ask, “What is my partner really trying to say?”
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Use “I” statements instead of “you” accusations. Example: “I feel alone in the household responsibilities” vs. “You never help out.”
Expert Insight:
According to Dr. John Gottman, renowned marriage researcher, couples who listen with empathy rather than defensiveness are 80% more likely to stay together long term.
2. Assuming Instead of Clarifying
Real-Life Example:
Priya assumed her husband Sam didn’t care about her job promotion because he didn’t celebrate. In reality, he hadn’t heard the full details and was waiting for confirmation.
The Problem:
Mind reading is not a superpower; it’s a relationship killer.
How to Fix It:
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Ask questions. “Did you hear about my promotion? I’d love to celebrate it together.”
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Check in frequently instead of assuming silence means disinterest.
Recent Research:
A 2023 study from the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who actively ask for clarification during conflict report 35% higher relationship satisfaction.
3. Avoiding Difficult Conversations
Real-Life Example:
Carlos and Mia never talked about finances. Bills piled up, tensions rose, and resentment brewed. Avoidance felt safer until it exploded into blame and threats of separation.
Why This Happens:
Fear of conflict often leads couples to sweep issues under the rug — until the rug becomes a mountain.
How to Fix It:
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Set a weekly “connection check-in” to talk about issues before they fester.
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Practice talking about hard things in a calm, neutral environment.
Expert Quote:
“Healthy couples aren’t the ones without conflict. They’re the ones who face it together.” – Dr. Sue Johnson, clinical psychologist and founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
4. Using Sarcasm or Passive-Aggression
Real-Life Example:
Emma would say things like, “Well, must be nice to come home to a clean house,” when she was upset about her husband not helping. He’d roll his eyes, and nothing changed.
The Problem:
Sarcasm and passive comments mask the real issue, creating confusion and contempt.
How to Fix It:
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Practice direct communication: “I’d appreciate help with cleaning after work.”
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Recognize when humor is hurtful, not healing.
Research Insight:
According to the American Psychological Association, passive-aggressive communication is a top predictor of chronic marital dissatisfaction.
5. Ignoring Nonverbal Communication
Real-Life Example:
Jenna thought she was doing fine in her marriage, but her body language — crossed arms, no eye contact, deep sighs — told a different story. Her partner felt shut out emotionally.
Why It Matters:
Over 70% of communication is nonverbal. Tone, posture, and facial expressions speak volumes — even when words don’t.
How to Fix It:
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Practice active listening: face your partner, make eye contact, nod, and show engagement.
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Mirror positive behaviors: if your partner is vulnerable, respond with softness and presence.
Comparison Table: Healthy vs. Unhealthy Communication in Marriage
| Communication Aspect | Unhealthy Marriage | Healthy Marriage |
|---|---|---|
| Intent | To win or defend | To understand and connect |
| Tone | Sarcastic or passive-aggressive | Respectful and assertive |
| Conflict Approach | Avoid or explode | Discuss calmly and consistently |
| Emotional Validation | Ignored or dismissed | Acknowledged and respected |
| Body Language | Closed off, defensive | Open, engaged |
A Practical Checklist to Improve Communication in Marriage
✔️ Use “I” statements in conflicts
✔️ Schedule weekly check-ins
✔️ Ask instead of assume
✔️ Watch and improve nonverbal cues
✔️ Listen to understand, not respond
✔️ Replace sarcasm with directness
✔️ Validate your partner’s feelings
✔️ Take breaks during heated arguments
✔️ Seek counseling when needed
✔️ Celebrate small wins and progress
Case Study: Rebuilding After Near Divorce
The Story:
Rachel and Kevin, married 12 years, found themselves sleeping in separate rooms after months of fights. A counselor helped them implement a weekly check-in. Kevin learned to express stress without shutting down. Rachel started asking for clarity instead of assuming he didn’t care.
The Outcome:
Six months later, they report higher intimacy and deeper understanding. “We feel like we’re dating again,” Rachel shared.
Expert Interview Highlight
We spoke with Dr. Andrea Bonior, clinical psychologist and author of Detox Your Thoughts.
Her insight: “Couples underestimate how damaging unchecked assumptions are. Just because you live together doesn’t mean you automatically know what the other person is thinking.”
🔗 Learn more from Dr. Bonior’s work at Psychology Today
10 FAQs on Communication in Marriage
Q1. What is the biggest communication mistake couples make?
Assuming they know what the other person feels without asking.
Q2. How do I talk to my spouse without fighting?
Use calm tones, “I” statements, and pick the right time — not in the middle of stress or fatigue.
Q3. What if my partner refuses to talk?
Start with a gentle note or text expressing your feelings, and suggest a time to talk. If avoidance continues, couples therapy can help.
Q4. Can communication problems lead to divorce?
Yes, chronic miscommunication is one of the top predictors of marital breakdown according to the APA.
Q5. Is it normal to fight in marriage?
Absolutely. It’s how you fight — with respect and repair — that matters.
Q6. How can I be a better listener in marriage?
Repeat back what you hear, validate emotions, and ask open-ended questions.
Q7. Do communication styles differ between men and women?
Sometimes. Research shows men may favor facts while women may focus more on feelings, but this isn’t always the case.
Q8. How do I bring up hard topics like money or sex?
Choose a neutral time, express appreciation first, and use soft startups like “I’ve been thinking about…”
Q9. What role does empathy play in communication?
Empathy is crucial — it shows you care about their experience, not just your own point.
Q10. When should we seek outside help?
If you’re stuck in the same arguments or one partner shuts down entirely, professional help is valuable.
Conclusion: Final Thoughts
Communication in marriage isn’t about showing up, even when it’s difficult, rather than always saying the correct thing. Little routines, attentive listening, curiosity, and the resolve to try again after failing are what matter. Couples all throughout the world can transition from conflict to connection and from confusion to clarity with empathy, patience, and these useful techniques. Start small, be persistent, and keep in mind that communication is a skill that you develop together rather than one that is innate.
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